Self-Care Is Not Selfish: Protecting Ourselves to Protect Our Children

by Claudia Barton, BCBA, LBA, CTP

In today’s world, parents are busier than ever. Between work, family obligations, and endless to-do lists, self-care often feels like a luxury we cannot afford. Many parents believe that putting themselves last is an act of love—that sacrifice is proof of good parenting. But the truth is, when we continually neglect ourselves, we are not offering our children our best. Instead, they receive what is left of us: the exhaustion, the irritability, the burnout.

As both a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and Certified Trauma Professional (CTP), I’ve seen the consequences of parental burnout firsthand—not only on parents’ well-being but also on the emotional, behavioral, and neurological development of children. Self-care is not selfish. It is an essential act of love that protects not only the parent but the child’s long-term health and resilience.

The Science of Self-Care: Why Parents Must Go First

Children learn through modeling and reinforcement. In the field of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), we recognize that the behaviors children observe are just as powerful as the words they hear. When parents chronically neglect their own needs, children learn that exhaustion and self-sacrifice are normal and expected. Over time, this can contribute to a cycle of burnout and unhealthy coping strategies passed down through generations.

When parents do practice self-care—setting boundaries, resting, seeking support—they model balance. They demonstrate that taking care of one’s body, mind, and emotions is part of a healthy life. This isn’t indulgence; it’s prevention. It teaches children that they are responsible for their own well-being, too.

The Link Between Self-Care and Attachment

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, helps us understand how early relationships shape a child’s emotional world. Attachment is not about being a “perfect parent”; it is about being emotionally available, consistent, and attuned. When parents are depleted and overstressed, their ability to be present diminishes, making it difficult to provide the type of connection children need.

Attachment styles develop early in life and influence how children see themselves and others:

  • Secure Attachment: Forms when a caregiver is consistently responsive and attuned. The child feels safe, valued, and confident to explore the world.

  • Anxious Attachment: Emerges when care is inconsistent—sometimes attentive, sometimes distracted. The child may cling, worry about abandonment, and struggle with trust.

  • Avoidant Attachment: Results when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive. The child learns to self-soothe by shutting down emotions, appearing “independent” but carrying deep loneliness.

  • Disorganized Attachment: Arises when caregivers are a source of both comfort and fear, often in the context of trauma. Children may display chaotic or contradictory behaviors in relationships.

Parental burnout, depression, or chronic stress increases the risk of insecure attachment. When parents are emotionally unavailable—because they are stretched too thin—the child’s developing brain receives the message that their needs may not always be met. This is not about blame, but about recognizing that by investing in self-care, parents improve their capacity for attunement, which supports secure attachment and healthy emotional development.

Childhood Trauma and the Role of ACEs

Childhood trauma is not limited to catastrophic events. It can include chronic stress, neglect, or emotional unavailability. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study has shown us how powerful these early environments are. ACEs include experiences such as parental mental illness, substance use, neglect, or exposure to violence. The more ACEs a child has, the higher their risk for physical and mental health issues across their lifespan—including anxiety, depression, heart disease, and substance abuse.

But here’s the good news: protective factors matter. Even when stressors exist, a child’s outcomes are significantly improved if they have at least one stable, loving, attuned caregiver. When parents prioritize their own well-being, they reduce the likelihood of transmitting stress and trauma to their children. Self-care, in this context, is a form of trauma prevention.

What Parental Burnout Looks Like

Parents often minimize their own symptoms of burnout. But it’s important to recognize when you are giving from depletion:

  • Emotional exhaustion: Feeling numb, easily frustrated, or quick to anger.

  • Mental fog: Trouble concentrating, forgetting small tasks, or feeling detached.

  • Physical symptoms: Headaches, poor sleep, frequent illness, or fatigue.

  • Disconnection from children: Difficulty enjoying playtime, irritability during routine care, or lack of patience.

Left unchecked, burnout can slide into parental depression or anxiety, both of which make attunement difficult. This is when children are most at risk of feeling unseen or misunderstood, laying the groundwork for emotional struggles that may echo into adolescence and adulthood.

Children Learn What They See

Behavioral science shows us that children are constantly learning from their environment. Through modeling, they imitate how adults regulate emotions, handle stress, and prioritize needs. Through reinforcement, their own attempts at self-care are either encouraged or dismissed.

For example:

  • A child who sees a parent pause, take a deep breath, and return to problem-solving learns that calming down is possible.

  • A child who sees a parent say “I need a few minutes to rest before I help you” learns that boundaries are healthy.

  • Conversely, a child who sees a parent push through exhaustion without pause may internalize that ignoring one’s own needs is expected.

The cycle continues. But when parents practice self-care, they are teaching their children a critical life skill: you matter, and your needs deserve attention.

Breaking the Cycle of Transgenerational Trauma

As a Certified Trauma Professional, I often remind parents: trauma is not only what happens to us, but also what happens within us when we are unsupported. When parents are overwhelmed and unable to self-regulate, children are at higher risk of internalizing that same dysregulation. Over time, this can evolve into transgenerational trauma, where unhealed stress and coping patterns are passed down.

But breaking the cycle is possible. By practicing self-care, parents interrupt that pattern. They send a new message: healing is possible, balance is normal, and love can flow without depletion.

Practical Self-Care for Busy Parents

Self-care doesn’t have to mean spa days or long vacations. It’s about small, intentional practices that restore your mind and body:

  • Sleep: Protect your rest as fiercely as you protect your child’s bedtime. Sleep is foundational for emotional regulation.

  • Nutrition: Nourish your body with foods that sustain energy rather than deplete it.

  • Movement: Even short walks or stretches help reduce stress hormones.

  • Connection: Reach out to supportive friends, family, or professionals when you feel isolated.

  • Boundaries: Say “no” when needed, and model that self-respect for your children.

  • Mental health care: Therapy, coaching, or parent consultation can be life-changing.

Remember: consistency matters more than intensity. Five minutes of calm breathing or journaling daily is more impactful than waiting for a once-a-year vacation.

Compassion, Not Perfection

Many parents feel guilty about self-care, worried it takes time away from their children. But guilt only reinforces the cycle of neglect. Self-care is not about perfection—it is about presence. When you are rested, attuned, and emotionally available, you create a secure foundation for your child.

Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need a parent who can love fully, regulate emotions, and model resilience. And you cannot do that if you are running on empty.

Final Thoughts

When we care for ourselves, we are caring for our children. By practicing self-care, we reduce the risk of burnout, strengthen attachment, buffer against childhood trauma, and model balance for the next generation. This is not selfish—it is love in action.

Your children are learning from you every moment of every day. Show them what it looks like to honor your needs, to practice compassion toward yourself, and to protect your well-being. By doing so, you are not only nurturing your own health but also shaping your child’s future resilience and emotional stability.

Written by a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and Certified Trauma Professional (CTP)

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The Science Behind Health & Wellness

Why behavior matters. Why healing is possible. Why small steps work.

When we think of health and wellness, we often think of the body — nutrition, sleep, hydration, movement. But at the core of every lasting change is something deeper: behavior.

As a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and Certified Trauma Professional (CTP), I view health and wellness through a scientific and compassionate lens. I don’t just ask what someone is doing — I ask why.

That’s where the real healing starts.

Why Behavior Matters in Wellness

Every time you choose to care for yourself — by applying a salve, setting down your phone, or pausing to breathe — you’re engaging in a behavior. These actions might seem small, but over time, they shape patterns. Patterns become habits. Habits become a lifestyle.

Behavior analysis teaches us that change doesn’t happen all at once — it happens one moment at a time, with reinforcement, consistency, and care.

The Nervous System & Trauma-Informed Support

For many of us, especially those with trauma histories, even the simplest self-care routines can feel overwhelming or unfamiliar. That’s why trauma-informed care matters. It reminds us that healing isn’t just about doing more — it’s about feeling safe enough to begin.

Behavioral wellness honors the body’s signals, works with the nervous system, and builds safety through predictable, gentle routines. When we approach wellness with compassion and structure, we help the body and mind slowly unlearn survival and relearn connection.

The Foundation of Behavior-Based Wellness

In behavior science, we use tools like:

  • Reinforcement to encourage healthy habits (rewarding what we want to see more of)
  • Prompting and shaping to help build routines gradually
  • Environmental design to make wellness easier and more accessible
  • Data and reflection to track what’s working — and why

These aren’t just clinical strategies. They can show up in your daily life as:

  • A lavender roller next to your bed to signal rest
  • A gentle balm you use after brushing your teeth to mark the end of your day
  • A sensory spray that helps your child transition more smoothly
  • A mantra you whisper each morning as a private moment of grounding

Why This Matters

Because true wellness isn't about extremes.
It’s about repeatable, nourishing actions that help you feel more like yourself.

And the science is clear: when we build wellness routines around behavior, not pressure, we make healing more accessible — for children, for parents, for everyone.

This is the foundation of my work and the intention behind every product I create. I want to help you feel safe in your routines, confident in your care, and connected to the deeper why behind the choices you make.

Mini Mantra:

“Small acts. Safe patterns. Lasting change.”

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