Childhood Trauma: What Children Don’t Get Matters as Much as What Happens to Them
By Claudia Barton, BCBA, LBA, CTP
Introduction: Expanding the Definition of Trauma
When most people hear the word “trauma,” they think of catastrophic events: abuse, violence, war, or sudden loss. These experiences absolutely qualify as trauma — they overwhelm a child’s ability to cope and leave lasting imprints on the nervous system.
But trauma is not always about what happens to a child. Sometimes it’s about what does not happen.
The absence of safety.
The absence of attunement.
The absence of presence.
When parents are overwhelmed, emotionally absent, or unable to meet their child’s needs, children can still experience trauma. Not because of one catastrophic moment, but because of an ongoing absence of connection and regulation.
As a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and Certified Trauma Professional (CTP), I have worked with many children and families navigating the impacts of both “big T” trauma and “little t” trauma. And I know this truth: children don’t only need protection from harm — they need protection from neglect, absence, and disconnection.
This article explores how trauma can emerge not just from what is done to children, but from what they don’t receive, and why parental self-care and presence are vital for preventing and healing trauma.
The Science of Childhood Trauma
Childhood trauma is often defined as any experience that overwhelms a child’s ability to cope and leaves lasting effects on their emotional, physical, and behavioral development.
The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study has shown us that trauma in childhood — whether abuse, neglect, or household dysfunction — is associated with higher risks of:
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Depression and anxiety
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Substance abuse
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Chronic illness
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Difficulty in relationships
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Lower life expectancy
These risks vary widely and are influenced by protective factors such as nurturing relationships, safe environments, and access to care.
Trauma is not only measured in visible events. It’s also measured in the absence of key developmental ingredients like:
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Attunement: A caregiver noticing, responding, and co-regulating with the child.
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Consistency: A child’s nervous system learning that their needs will be met.
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Safety: Both physical and emotional security.
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Affection: Touch, warmth, and presence.
When these are chronically missing, a child’s nervous system may learn to expect stress, disconnection, or unpredictability. This is trauma by absence.
The Hidden Forms of Trauma: What Children Do Not Get
Absent Parents
When parents are physically absent — due to work demands, separation, or other responsibilities — children may experience ongoing feelings of abandonment. Even if basic needs are met, the lack of consistent presence communicates: You are not a priority.
Stressed-Out Parents
Parents under constant stress may still be physically present but emotionally unavailable. Children sense tension in their environment and often internalize it as their own fault. Stress can limit a parent’s patience, attunement, and ability to co-regulate.
Tuned-Out Parents
Parents who are distracted by overwhelm, depression, or technology may unintentionally “tune out.” To a child, this feels like invisibility. Without the mirror of parental attention, children struggle to develop self-worth and secure attachment.
Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect is one of the most invisible forms of trauma. Parents may provide food, clothing, and shelter but fail to provide emotional presence, empathy, or validation. The child’s emotions become minimized or ignored, leaving long-lasting wounds of “I don’t matter.”
Why Parental Presence Matters
Children’s brains develop through relationships. From birth, babies rely on caregivers for co-regulation — the process by which an adult helps calm, soothe, and organize the baby’s nervous system.
When parents are consistently present and responsive:
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The child learns that the world is safe.
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The child develops secure attachment, the foundation for emotional resilience and healthy relationships.
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The child’s brain develops stronger pathways for regulation, empathy, and trust.
When caregivers are frequently unavailable or highly stressed, children are more likely to develop insecure attachment patterns, which can make regulation and trust harder. The good news: attachment is changeable. Consistent, responsive care over time can help children move toward security.
Presence matters because children build their sense of self through the eyes and actions of their caregivers.
The Role of Self-Care in Parenting
Here is the hard truth: Parents cannot be present for their children if they are constantly depleted themselves.
When parents neglect their own needs, they often:
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React with irritability instead of patience.
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Tune out instead of leaning in.
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Withdraw instead of connecting.
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Miss subtle cues that their child needs co-regulation.
This is why self-care is not selfish — it is essential parenting.
As a BCBA, I view self-care as a behavior: it can be taught, reinforced, and shaped. As a trauma professional, I see it as a nervous system reset: a way to regulate so parents can return to their children with presence.
How Parents Can Use Self-Care to Become More Present
Antecedent Strategies
Set up the environment so presence is easier. Put away phones during meals. Schedule daily play or connection. Use visual reminders to breathe and notice your child.
Proactive Strategies
Build daily rituals that prevent overwhelm: morning meditation, evening skincare, or herbal tea breaks. These rituals reduce stress before it spills over onto children.
Reinforcement
Notice the positive outcomes when you are present with your child: their laughter, calm, or willingness to share. Let these outcomes reinforce your commitment to showing up again.
Shaping
Start small. If presence feels overwhelming, commit to five minutes of undivided attention with your child. Over time, expand into longer periods. Consistency matters more than duration.
The Intergenerational Impact
Childhood trauma doesn’t end with one generation. Parents who grew up without presence may unintentionally repeat the pattern. But self-awareness and self-care can break the cycle.
When parents regulate themselves, they:
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Model healthy coping for their children.
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Provide a regulated nervous system for children to attune to.
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Teach that love and presence are reliable.
Self-care becomes not only personal healing but intergenerational healing.
Practical Product Rituals for Parents
Within your daily self-care, products can act as anchors of regulation:
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Lavender & Calendula Salve: Apply nightly to hands as a signal of winding down, pairing touch with breath.
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Valerian Nightly Foot Balm: Supports restful sleep so parents can approach the next day with presence.
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Rose & Chamomile Scrub: A weekly ritual of care that models gentleness and restoration.
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Hormone Support Oil: Supports balance during times of hormonal or emotional stress.
These products are not just soothing; they become ritual cues — signals to the nervous system that it is time to slow down and return to presence.
Closing Reflection: Presence is Prevention
Trauma is not only about catastrophic events. Sometimes it is about the small, daily absences of presence, safety, and care. Children don’t just need parents to protect them from harm — they need parents to show up, to attune, to notice, and to love.
The good news is that presence can be built. With self-care, ABA-informed routines, and trauma-sensitive awareness, parents can reduce stress, regulate their nervous systems, and become the safe base their children need.
Because at the end of the day, the greatest gift we give our children is not perfection — it is presence.
Behavioral Wellness Tip: Choose one daily ritual that helps you regulate (a balm, a tea, a breath). Practice it consistently. The calmer and more present you are, the safer your child’s world becomes.
